It’s said (by someone far more intelligent than myself) that true change comes from within. Now, apparently those of us with the mental capacity of cannabis infused bumblebees are supposed to understand what that means at some point in our rather muddled and messy lives.
I am happy to say I made a few breakthroughs on that front in 2020, perhaps raising myself from basic bumblebee to Africanised honey bee.
1. I am damn lucky to be alive. Alive is more important than weight loss, facial hair, stretch marks, or the size of my jeans. I am intermittent, unreliable, unremarkable, and occasionally irritatingly overwhelming. But I’m alive, and as a living person, that’s who I am. It should be enough, at least for me.
2. Alive means more mistakes, absolutely. It means the chance to use them rather than deny or wallow in them. It also means the chance to learn how to make more.
3. I realised what actual friends look like. And they look an awful lot like me. Also, a few good ones is way better than surface ones. I am not Sisyphus, and I don’t need to push that rock.
4. Real love is as rare as a moon landing and nearly as mythic. I am one of those who has landed on the moon and am currently writing the myth itself in rather sappy, sapphic terms. I have changed in ways that allow me to accept love, even if I don’t always think I deserve it.
5. In 2014, I gave up on a passion project due to mental health reasons. This year, I finished the first draft, and it feels amazing. It still has a long way to go to full completion, but I did it, and that’s a big deal for me. I’ve also signed my next book contract, and I’m starting to believe I might be a writer.
6. No…five is all I have. It is 2020, after all. The year of indoor navel gazing through a plastic shield. The year of virtual everyone and everything. Of figuring out how awesome your home and wife are, how good it is to keep breathing, how life goes on and you weave your way through the garden labyrinth because that’s what bumblebees do. Eventually, there will be flowers again.